just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Randomize
