brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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