She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Randomize
