She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
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