LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
