How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
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