I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
