I heard we made out
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
