I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
