i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Randomize
