pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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