I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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