Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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