Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
