Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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