Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
