i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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