You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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