I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
