shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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