He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
