i would punch a child for taco bell
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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