i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Damn victory sex feels great
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Randomize
