How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Randomize
