I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Randomize
