Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I smell stomach acid.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Every concussion has its silver lining
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
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