so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
