WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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