How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
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