hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
I CAN MOONWALK!
someone get that fucking seahorse.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
