6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
