she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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