You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize