Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I think I have vodka in my lungs
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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