why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
The power of my boobs compel you
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
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