What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
