i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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