The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
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