he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize