dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
Did I show you my penis last night?
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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