It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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