Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
