I look better un-naked...
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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