SEEEEXXX PLEASE
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
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