Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize