you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Randomize
