hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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