I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
