i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
You left your phone here
Wait...
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