She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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