why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Randomize
