yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
