I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
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