Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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