Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Randomize
