don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
