There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Randomize
