Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Randomize
