I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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