Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
