I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
