At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
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