I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
tell me about the eggs
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