God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Randomize
