I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
