Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
